If We're Honest

I think it's so normal to look back at your wedding day and maybe even laugh at the things you would have done differently now. Superficial details aside, there are definitely things I wish I had known about myself and about marriage before I said I do. I look at this picture and I see the joy I had knowing that I was committing my life to the man I had loved for so long. I really thought it was going to be easy. I really thought we were the exception to the "normal". Untouchable. 

Maybe that was just a lie that I allowed myself to believe. But honestly, we didn't even get premarital counseling. It's not that I didn't think we might need it, but it just wasn't my priority. I was truly more caught up in making a comfy, cute life together than I was making sure our foundation as a couple was firmly on Jesus. I assumed it was. 

I think many women put their man on a pedestal. Yes, we were made to adore and respect our men, but not to the point where we have these unrealistic expectations and unhealthy views that only leads to disappointment and anger... not to the point where they are our idol that we look to for what only God can give us. 

My husband fell off the pedestal I put him on and has failed me in many ways. We were in ministry young and learned everything the hard way. Looking back, I wish I had known that marriage wasn't going to make him any less of a human. In fact, it really wasn't going to fix any of the things we dealt with while dating. It wasn't going to make my own baggage magically disappear either. It's not an escape, it's a battlefield. 

After 3 years, I can now say that I'm finally understanding what it looks like to see him as equally imperfect as me, and know that his job isn't to fulfill my deepest longings. I can now understand that I am to point him to Christ, not to his shortcomings. I know what it feels like to love him where he is at, not for what I hope he will grow in to be. Trust me, God is worthy of being trusted with our spouses. He will not fail, and our spouses don't ultimately belong to us anyway.
The Lord can redeem any situation and help you move forward in freedom even after you've done everything the wrong way, married or not. 

Next, I wish I had known that my identity is not in one of my many roles. It was so easy to get swirled up in homemaking and taking care of his every need so that he wouldn't have to worry about a thing. Man, I thought I was so dang good at it too. In fact, I had more confidence in that than I even did as a student or in my jobs. I now see that I was loving him in the wrong ways... the ways that I thought he wanted and needed. But really, he didn't so much care about the clean dishes or the swept floors. He wanted me to be present, which I unfortunately too often was not. I hope I am never again so overwhelmed with my life that I can't be present for what really matters.
I am thankful for the great privilege of being a wife. It is God's good design. But it doesn't name me or define me. I'm not just Ty, "Grey's wife." I belong to Jesus, and I am who HE says I am, no matter how much I failed on my end, no matter what I've gone through. 

Say it with me: "I am not what happens to me." 

This has just been on my heart guys. I am living breathing proof that Satan will do just about anything to destroy marriage, but he DOESN'T HAVE TO WIN. God does mighty things through couples, so naturally he wants to stop it. This world is so broken. May we fight for the things of the Lord. May we not compromise. May we communicate instead of avoid. May we not live our lives comparing our stories with those around us, but live in confidence in the one God is writing for us. 

He will make us whole again when we walk through valleys. The valleys are what shape us and give us a deeper, lasting foundation to live out the rest of our lives on. We either walk away changed, or turn away from God. We ask if God is worth the things we've suffered. He is.

From Tallahassee, to Hattiesburg, to Leesburg, to Boston, back to Hattiesburg, back to Tallahassee.... with all of my "why's" and "how's", regrets and fears....learning things later than I had hoped.... I can honestly say, It Is Well. 

~Psalm 27 

Identity Crisis

For those (if any) of you who have noticed that I’ve been at many jobs in the past 5 months... well, it’s true. I just wanted to share some about what God has been doing. Because God is always up to something. And it’s always good.

So before the wedding, I was doing my psychology internship at a nursing home, and fell in love with it! I was promised a job, and quit a job that I had got at the hospital (for 3 days... HA) because I wanted this one. Then it was taken from me a week from the wedding because I couldn’t start right away. Devastation hit me like I hadn’t experienced before, and fear struck me as I was out of a job and about to be MARRIED with BILLS. So what did I do? I applied around, and 2 days before I walked down that aisle, an animal hospital called and I had a job! I could rest assured, and enjoy my honeymoon without any worries. 

I was truly super excited about this job. Most people know that dogs are my world. But things aren’t what they seem a lot of the time. Long story short: I picked up poop all day, and there were so many dogs in boarding that I really couldn’t even spend any time with them. I was peed on, bitten, scratched, and so many bad things. Not to mention, I came home crying most days because I couldn’t emotionally handle seeing the hurt animals. So those dreams of being a vet when I was little? Yeah, glad I didn’t go with that one. I would be a wreck. This job was something that God allowed me to have to pay for bills, and I met some sweet girls there that I still keep up with, and am even going to their weddings. I am thankful for the experience, even though I had nightmares about it for awhile!

Next: I was a nanny. Yep, you heard that right. I am truly grateful for the 3 months that I had with the kids. I learned so, so much. But I’m not made to work with children on a full-time basis, and that’s ok. I truly admire the people that ARE made for it. God has given you a beautiful gift.

This leads to my next point. No one really told me the identity crisis that I would face when I got married. It wasn’t the name change, it was all the other changes. It was the fact that all of a sudden, I felt “adult.” I put this unrealistic pressure to start my career path (before I’ve even finished college) and get a “big girl” job. There was immense amounts of dissatisfaction in every job I was at. And that ripped me apart for awhile.
The root of the problem wasn’t really the jobs. It was my attitude and my refusal to have joy. And I couldn’t fix myself... I couldn't be better no matter how hard I tried. It was an internal battle of identity and purpose. What IN THE WORLD am I made for? That’s a question that has haunted me. And the answer was simple, really. I’m made for Jesus. I’m not defined by a job. My refusal to be content in any circumstance led to distrust of God, which led to bitterness and confusion. It’s a terrible place to be. I wasn’t living, I was existing. And I know a lot of people who can relate with that.

Ultimately, all of this has been for a purpose. It would be easy for me to think that I’ve wasted the past 4 months, but I’m learning to not despise the hard times... I’m learning that I CAN renew my mind as Romans 12 talks about. I have this awakened confidence that I haven’t had before. And this confidence isn’t in myself. It’s in my Savior and His perfect ways. It’s empowering to walk in full assurance of this. As much as I think I’d like to have every step of my life figured out, I am much more satisfied with walking alongside Christ and watching my story unfold piece by piece. It’s messy - and I’m utterly stubborn and rebellious - but God lifts my head up and always shows me that He is the one who fully knows me, delights in me, and is sanctifying me through every experience. I pray that I learn to truly pursue God as He pursues me. I pray that I find gladness in my weakness and His sufficiency. I pray that I am humbly obedient and fully devoted. 

It took this journey to realize my lack of faith. And that is hard to swallow and hard to type as a person who likes to seem like she has it all together. But I want to end this blog with this: We are all prodigal sons, running away from Jesus. But we have a patient God. He allows us to see our sin and our shortcomings so that we will RETURN to Him, put the sin to death, and experience redemption and freedom. May we all see the urgency of this returning to the One who gives us enough grace for each day & who gives us what no one or nothing else can. Jesus is better. 

In His Grip,

Ty

“My vocation is love.”

“I’m dying to live, for my life is the smallest sacrifice I can give.”

Reflections

---As I was sitting in my quiet, dark room, I realized that the hard part is over. All assignments are turned in and exams are done, my internship hours are complete. I can REST. But then the unsettlement creeps in... I suddenly feel awful for not being productive or being somewhere. I mean, I'm getting married in like a week. I'm really never done, am I? Thoughts swirl through my mind constantly.
I'm a firm believer in making lists and getting things off my brain. Sometimes it can get a little too crowded in this head of mine. So in reflecting on these 9 months, I realized that God has done A LOT. I realized that I am a different woman than when I started my sophomore year. I was led to take the time to express everything God has taught me this year, so that I can remember and give Him the glory. I pray that whoever reads this may be encouraged.
First, I want to say that I came into this year extremely positive. I was so excited about being a Resident Assistant and being on the BSU Lead Team. I had full confidence that these were things that God led and ordained me to be a part of, and I knew He would help me with juggling everything. But I wasn't always that positive as the weeks went on. I was a slave to my schedule on many occasions, and let it get the best of me and steal my joy. I STRUGGLED this year. But I'm better because of it. So I won't take a single thing back. Here's what God has been showing me, and molding me in (I need a lot of work).

~Being a leader is a high calling. A lot is expected, which can be exhausting. But leadership will teach you a lot about yourself, and about ministry. It is humbling and rewarding. The experience is life-changing: It's not something you can learn in a textbook.
~Ministry is messy. But God is the one who makes things happen. Even if it's last minute. *Requires complete dependency.
~Planning events is hard. But it's also very fun to see things come together and money being raised for a cause that you are passionate about.
~KEEP YOUR WORD. Give everything you have to what tasks you are given. Even when you don't feel like it. Being diligent and reliable is so important.
~When you are a leader in one area, you are a leader everywhere. People recognize you, and they know your name. Someone is always watching, but more importantly, God is too. Even when there's no one else around. You can't be fake with Him. So don't even try :)
~God calls us to be stretched past what is comfortable. There are so many times when I wanted to be nonexistent and just blend in with everyone else on campus... and do my "own thing." But God has other plans. And He just might have you share your testimony in front of the whole school :) He wants us to stand out.
~Sometimes, something that you thought was the last thing you wanted could end up being the best thing you could have imagined (my internship at a nursing home). Let your immediate response to everything be TRUST (much easier said than done). Go on this adventure called life with Him. I promise you, He knows. His will is the only way.
~Use the gifts God has given you. Don't waste it... He has a purpose for every detail, no matter how small.
~PRAY about EVERYTHING. Pray all the time. Listen to God. Don't ignore gut feelings.
~Apparently, I can be pretty entitled. But my moods don't control me. Neither do my circumstances. I really don't have the right to let things put me down, nor do I have the right to complain. Everything happens for a reason... and perspective goes a long way. So does lowering expectations of the world. We really can't escape inconveniences or bad things (wake up call, Ty). It's a fallen world. At least it's our temporary home. Contentment is based on belonging to Christ, not what's going on around you.
~~Life is about balance. Being busy is not an excuse to not spend time in the Word. I always heard that doing things FOR the Lord can actually distract from your relationship with the Lord, and it's so true. His Word is life, and without it, you will break down. We cannot do anything in our own strength.
~Discipleship and doing life with others is so important. I had the privilege to disciple an awesome girl this year and I learned so much about opening up and really digging into the Word. It brings so much healing to share in triumphs and set backs. (Being in a church that cultivates that is awesome, too).



On a lighter note :)
~The coffee shop is the perfect place for meeting with people. Counseling can happen anywhere. And I'm a firm believer that you don't need a degree to relate with people.
Love coffee.... love people. Bout sums it up.
~I am a HORRIBLE tap dancer. But I got through that class. Barely.
~People with disabilities are awesome.
~Being crafty is really fun, actually. I love creating things with my hands.
~Planning a wedding while in school is HARD. I don't really recommend it!

God can do so much in a short amount of time. I'm so thankful for this year of preparation for being a wife and being in ministry, wherever that may be. Taking life one step at a time is so important. Right now, I am becoming Mrs. Adkins and enjoying my summer as I work full-time. That's all I really need to know, and it is enough :)
As I look back, all I have left are memories in pictures, life lessons, and relationships that I will forever cherish.

To everyone in the BSU: It's been amazing working with all of you and making things happen! Countless campus links, events, and meetings. It's been so fun and I have really seen the power of Christ this year.
To everyone in housing: Man, what a year. It hasn't been easy. But honestly, if the worst thing that happened to me was someone knocking on my door at 1 AM to ask for a bowl, I'd say it all turned out ok :) Thank you to everyone who mentored me, and thank you for the endless encouragement and amazing relationships. You guys make me so happy and I love you all.
(Byrd 108, I'll always look back fondly on you. You were a good room).

~the end~
~i'm getting married~
can I get an AMEN!!??

Peru

I'm so thankful for the opportunity God gave me to serve Him in Jimbe, Peru. Here is my account of everything that happened, put into words the best I could.

Day 1: Travel! May 20th was an early morning of long lines and baggage checks at the New Orleans airport. We had a long day of flights until we reached Lima around 10 that night. This was my first international flight, so I thoroughly enjoyed the individual screens with free movies and music! This was also my first time as an "immigrant."

(Day 2) The next morning we woke up to another day in transit. This time, a 9 hour van ride to Jimbe. We learned our first lesson of missions: BE FLEXIBLE. Our van had a lot of issues on the way, so it seemed like we were traveling forever. Here's some pictures I got on the way: 

As you can see; absolutely beautiful, but also very desolate in some areas. Lots of dirt :) As we drove into the village of Jimbe, the natives were looking through the windows and waving, so happy to see us. It's like I was a celebrity... just for being me, and just for being there. We were greeted with hugs and kisses, and curious but excited stares from the children. We moved into our hostals, which were little rooms with 2 beds and a public restroom. Not too shabby!

It's pretty cool; many places there didn't have roofs because it doesn't rain very often there. Our window was facing the street and was easily opened, so we had children peeking in at times :)

I suppose this was the start of my "culture shock," when I realized that I probably wouldn't be getting a shower for 10 days. It's completely BYOTP (bring your own toilet paper), and you just throw it away instead of flushing it. As most of you know, DON'T DRINK THE WATER. So that was an adjustment as well. We had a constant supply of water bottles so we could stay hydrated and brush our teeth with it. Allison and I got creative with washing our hair in the sink... Gotta do what you gotta do :) (Thank The Lord for deodorant and clean wipes)

Day 3: Our day to be "tourists" and relax. We had our team devotion, which helped us grow closer as a team and prepare our hearts and minds for going out on the field throughout the week. Me and some girls went on a walk around the town, and also down the mountain. Here's some pictures.

The "plaza," which is where many people gather at night. You can see that it is completely surrounded by mountains! I had to wonder if there people there are just used to it since they see it every day, but I was captivated! 

These are the houses they live in ^^

These are the roads to go up and down the mountain. Quite bumpy.

God gave us a wonderful rainbow!

You realize just how high up you are... I think the altitude definitely got to me at times.  After this we played tag with the kids. 

The reality of the language barrier hit me at this point. I am so thankful for our 4 translators we had, because we couldn't understand what the kids were saying to us and had to get help. Luckily, the people there are very understanding and patient with us. I think the hardest part for me was not feeling like I could make lasting relationships, because I work best with one on one talks with people. I just had to focus on showing Christ... responding and loving the way He would without fear. It's crazy to not feel confident in the simplest of things, just because I was out of my comfort zone of the States. But you definitely just learn to adjust and improvise!

Here was our dinner, which was my favorite of all the food we had. I believe it was lamb (don't quote me on that), and potatoes and rice. SO MUCH POTATOES AND RICE :) 

We had a service that night in the local church. It was so cute. It was pretty awesome to see the group of fellow belivers. We may look and talk different, but we are brothers and sisters in Christ, which unified us. 

Day 4: Secondary School Day!! We had breakfast at 7:30 (bread and jelly), and were at the school by 8. Prior to this, we were told to prepare our testimonies and the story of Christ so that we could share with these kids. I shared my testimony with the 11th graders, and it went really well. We allowed them to ask any questions they wanted. Most questions were about our culture. They even knew political things that are going on here. At recess, I was able to play volleyball with the girls and soccer with the boys. It was so much fun.

We stayed until after 1, had a late lunch, and I was able to take a 3 hour nap. On the mission field, you take naps when possible. That night, we headed to a place called Canches up the mountain. We had a church service right in the middle of the street, the only light coming from a street lamp. The children climbed in our van and we held them while the parents listened intently to the message. We even had worship! Their songs last so much longer than our worship songs, but to watch those people dance and clap was amazing. The kids were sad to see us go, but luckily on Saturday, they came to Jimbe for a church reunion. 

Day 5. This was a good day, because I got to call home :) We headed back to the school, this time to share with the Primary students (elementary). I got to share the story of Noah with the 3rd graders. We also sang with them in English and Spanish (the love to hear English). I hope that some seeds were planted, and that they could comprehend what we were telling them. We got to play at recess again. They sure do love duck duck goose. 

I had my first money experience when we bought some things in the "bodega" (store). They had more in there than I thought they would! 

We played with the children for another 3 hours after this in the plaza, then dinner and a meeting. 

Day 6: I realized just how good Peruvians are at soccer (futbol). It's CRAZY. We spent most of the day with the church people.

 We had a service at 3, where I gave my testimony again, but this time in front of adults. I was nervous, but it went well. It was really powerful because I felt God completely take me over and speak. The pastor said that it touched someone in the room. And that right there is why I have a testimony, and am called to share it. I learned to be prepared at all times, and to step up when needed.

After dinner we had another church service at 8 with the children. We got to sing a few songs in English

and then played Simon says. There is one sweet boy named Sebastian who seems to be attached at the hip to me. I don't mind :) He wore the same outfit all week.

We played Phase 10 till late. I love my team. 

Day 7: Sunday. I was able to give the Bible story to the children. I ended up doing God delivering the Israelites from Egypt, and the plagues. After, they drew pictures of their favorite part of the story. Sweet, sweet kids. 

In our devotion on this morning, we were warned to continue to keep our guards up. Exhaustion starts to kick in at this time, and we can get a little cocky and think we have the culture figured out. False. People are still watching us. 

Today was awesome, because we broke up into groups with a translator and went out into the town to see who we could talk to. I'm really glad we did this, because the people may see us walking around and know we're Americans, but if jwe don't offer ourselves to more than just the church people, then what are we doing? Are we not here for the lost? We walked around for atleast 2 hours, and talked to 2 people. The first was an elderly man who was sitting on a rock.

He was 86, incredibly hard of hearing, and told us everything he knew about the Bible. He talked forever! It was awesome. We also found a lady in the plaza with her grandchild and spend the rest of the time talking with her until dinner. She was a cook for the Catholic Church, and never heard the story of Jesus. So we told her. She understood but was not at the point of acceptance. I would like to keep praying for her.

Day 8: Out the door by 7 to go to a place called Cachana. 

Today was quite interesting. We really had no real plan... but man did God show up. A group of our guys started walking and was invited to a house where they shared the Gospel, and a man named John Marcos accepted Christ. It was truly a divine appointment. We loaded back in and went up up up. We stopped a few times to get pictures because it was just too pretty not to.

Our translator Gladys :)

Our William Carey team. Love these people to death.

Going to milk a cow!

Livin' on the edge. Thankful for God's protection. One of our vans broke down so all 17 of us piled in one!

This is how they keep the roofs from coming off.

This man got fresh honeycomb!

We stopped at another small village to eat lunch that we packed. Our translator found an old woman to give our leftovers to, ans she of course invited me and a few other girls in (Peruvians are so hospitable). We talked, shared the story of Christ, and at 82 years old she accepted Christ, and I got to witness it. The eagerness in her prayer to Jesus was amazing. Her name is Isabelle, and I will see her in heaven. 

Because of our van situtaiton, we had to go back, and God had a reason. In our devotion, we applied this to life. Sometimes we are in such a hurry to get to the top, that we miss out on where we are at. God moved and brought soul to Him at 9,000 feet instead of 14,000 feet. He knows what He is doing! He deserves so much glory! 

Day 9: Another early morning. We headed to Canches again to spend time in the school there. I was put with the 6th graders. We played games, sang, and told the story of Christ.

 It went by so fast, and I took another 3 hour nap. I couldn't believe that this was the last day in Jimbe! What better way to end this day than to play with an alpaca and run when it tries to spit at you!?

And you also can't go to Peru without eating cuy... although I really wouldn't recommend it :) Here's a before and after  picture. I'm sure you can figure the rest out. 

......after

YUMMY. Poor little guy.

Day 10: We were out of Jimbe by 4 AM, and with a sleeping pills help, I slept the whole way to Lima. We went to their version of a mall... (never seen so many shoes in my life)

and we ate at a really nice restaurant for dinner. Just like any wise person would do, I ate a big juicy steak. I called my mom and told her NO CHICKEN for atleast a week when I get home :)

Thursday, we went to the Inca market, which was all Peruvian crafts and clothes. It was so much fun, and I was able to get some presents for my family.

We even ate at a Chili's for lunch, and I had pizza for dinner. It was fantastic. I enjoyed being in Lima so much. Here's some pictures.

We flew out at midnight that night, and I woke up just in time to see the sunrise.

I learned so much about myself and about ministry. I'm thankful that God was able to teach me that even though this experience was a stress on my body, it really isn't about me. It never was. Missions will leave you taking back just as much as you gave. I encourage everyone who is reading this to pray about living out the Great Commission to GO. You'll experience God in a new way. His beauty is lavished in Peru. Thank you to everyone who supported and prayed for me. Keep Peru in your prayers. There are still so many unreached people groups there. I love you all!