Identity Crisis

For those (if any) of you who have noticed that I’ve been at many jobs in the past 5 months... well, it’s true. I just wanted to share some about what God has been doing. Because God is always up to something. And it’s always good.

So before the wedding, I was doing my psychology internship at a nursing home, and fell in love with it! I was promised a job, and quit a job that I had got at the hospital (for 3 days... HA) because I wanted this one. Then it was taken from me a week from the wedding because I couldn’t start right away. Devastation hit me like I hadn’t experienced before, and fear struck me as I was out of a job and about to be MARRIED with BILLS. So what did I do? I applied around, and 2 days before I walked down that aisle, an animal hospital called and I had a job! I could rest assured, and enjoy my honeymoon without any worries. 

I was truly super excited about this job. Most people know that dogs are my world. But things aren’t what they seem a lot of the time. Long story short: I picked up poop all day, and there were so many dogs in boarding that I really couldn’t even spend any time with them. I was peed on, bitten, scratched, and so many bad things. Not to mention, I came home crying most days because I couldn’t emotionally handle seeing the hurt animals. So those dreams of being a vet when I was little? Yeah, glad I didn’t go with that one. I would be a wreck. This job was something that God allowed me to have to pay for bills, and I met some sweet girls there that I still keep up with, and am even going to their weddings. I am thankful for the experience, even though I had nightmares about it for awhile!

Next: I was a nanny. Yep, you heard that right. I am truly grateful for the 3 months that I had with the kids. I learned so, so much. But I’m not made to work with children on a full-time basis, and that’s ok. I truly admire the people that ARE made for it. God has given you a beautiful gift.

This leads to my next point. No one really told me the identity crisis that I would face when I got married. It wasn’t the name change, it was all the other changes. It was the fact that all of a sudden, I felt “adult.” I put this unrealistic pressure to start my career path (before I’ve even finished college) and get a “big girl” job. There was immense amounts of dissatisfaction in every job I was at. And that ripped me apart for awhile.
The root of the problem wasn’t really the jobs. It was my attitude and my refusal to have joy. And I couldn’t fix myself... I couldn't be better no matter how hard I tried. It was an internal battle of identity and purpose. What IN THE WORLD am I made for? That’s a question that has haunted me. And the answer was simple, really. I’m made for Jesus. I’m not defined by a job. My refusal to be content in any circumstance led to distrust of God, which led to bitterness and confusion. It’s a terrible place to be. I wasn’t living, I was existing. And I know a lot of people who can relate with that.

Ultimately, all of this has been for a purpose. It would be easy for me to think that I’ve wasted the past 4 months, but I’m learning to not despise the hard times... I’m learning that I CAN renew my mind as Romans 12 talks about. I have this awakened confidence that I haven’t had before. And this confidence isn’t in myself. It’s in my Savior and His perfect ways. It’s empowering to walk in full assurance of this. As much as I think I’d like to have every step of my life figured out, I am much more satisfied with walking alongside Christ and watching my story unfold piece by piece. It’s messy - and I’m utterly stubborn and rebellious - but God lifts my head up and always shows me that He is the one who fully knows me, delights in me, and is sanctifying me through every experience. I pray that I learn to truly pursue God as He pursues me. I pray that I find gladness in my weakness and His sufficiency. I pray that I am humbly obedient and fully devoted. 

It took this journey to realize my lack of faith. And that is hard to swallow and hard to type as a person who likes to seem like she has it all together. But I want to end this blog with this: We are all prodigal sons, running away from Jesus. But we have a patient God. He allows us to see our sin and our shortcomings so that we will RETURN to Him, put the sin to death, and experience redemption and freedom. May we all see the urgency of this returning to the One who gives us enough grace for each day & who gives us what no one or nothing else can. Jesus is better. 

In His Grip,

Ty

“My vocation is love.”

“I’m dying to live, for my life is the smallest sacrifice I can give.”

Reflections

---As I was sitting in my quiet, dark room, I realized that the hard part is over. All assignments are turned in and exams are done, my internship hours are complete. I can REST. But then the unsettlement creeps in... I suddenly feel awful for not being productive or being somewhere. I mean, I'm getting married in like a week. I'm really never done, am I? Thoughts swirl through my mind constantly.
I'm a firm believer in making lists and getting things off my brain. Sometimes it can get a little too crowded in this head of mine. So in reflecting on these 9 months, I realized that God has done A LOT. I realized that I am a different woman than when I started my sophomore year. I was led to take the time to express everything God has taught me this year, so that I can remember and give Him the glory. I pray that whoever reads this may be encouraged.
First, I want to say that I came into this year extremely positive. I was so excited about being a Resident Assistant and being on the BSU Lead Team. I had full confidence that these were things that God led and ordained me to be a part of, and I knew He would help me with juggling everything. But I wasn't always that positive as the weeks went on. I was a slave to my schedule on many occasions, and let it get the best of me and steal my joy. I STRUGGLED this year. But I'm better because of it. So I won't take a single thing back. Here's what God has been showing me, and molding me in (I need a lot of work).

~Being a leader is a high calling. A lot is expected, which can be exhausting. But leadership will teach you a lot about yourself, and about ministry. It is humbling and rewarding. The experience is life-changing: It's not something you can learn in a textbook.
~Ministry is messy. But God is the one who makes things happen. Even if it's last minute. *Requires complete dependency.
~Planning events is hard. But it's also very fun to see things come together and money being raised for a cause that you are passionate about.
~KEEP YOUR WORD. Give everything you have to what tasks you are given. Even when you don't feel like it. Being diligent and reliable is so important.
~When you are a leader in one area, you are a leader everywhere. People recognize you, and they know your name. Someone is always watching, but more importantly, God is too. Even when there's no one else around. You can't be fake with Him. So don't even try :)
~God calls us to be stretched past what is comfortable. There are so many times when I wanted to be nonexistent and just blend in with everyone else on campus... and do my "own thing." But God has other plans. And He just might have you share your testimony in front of the whole school :) He wants us to stand out.
~Sometimes, something that you thought was the last thing you wanted could end up being the best thing you could have imagined (my internship at a nursing home). Let your immediate response to everything be TRUST (much easier said than done). Go on this adventure called life with Him. I promise you, He knows. His will is the only way.
~Use the gifts God has given you. Don't waste it... He has a purpose for every detail, no matter how small.
~PRAY about EVERYTHING. Pray all the time. Listen to God. Don't ignore gut feelings.
~Apparently, I can be pretty entitled. But my moods don't control me. Neither do my circumstances. I really don't have the right to let things put me down, nor do I have the right to complain. Everything happens for a reason... and perspective goes a long way. So does lowering expectations of the world. We really can't escape inconveniences or bad things (wake up call, Ty). It's a fallen world. At least it's our temporary home. Contentment is based on belonging to Christ, not what's going on around you.
~~Life is about balance. Being busy is not an excuse to not spend time in the Word. I always heard that doing things FOR the Lord can actually distract from your relationship with the Lord, and it's so true. His Word is life, and without it, you will break down. We cannot do anything in our own strength.
~Discipleship and doing life with others is so important. I had the privilege to disciple an awesome girl this year and I learned so much about opening up and really digging into the Word. It brings so much healing to share in triumphs and set backs. (Being in a church that cultivates that is awesome, too).



On a lighter note :)
~The coffee shop is the perfect place for meeting with people. Counseling can happen anywhere. And I'm a firm believer that you don't need a degree to relate with people.
Love coffee.... love people. Bout sums it up.
~I am a HORRIBLE tap dancer. But I got through that class. Barely.
~People with disabilities are awesome.
~Being crafty is really fun, actually. I love creating things with my hands.
~Planning a wedding while in school is HARD. I don't really recommend it!

God can do so much in a short amount of time. I'm so thankful for this year of preparation for being a wife and being in ministry, wherever that may be. Taking life one step at a time is so important. Right now, I am becoming Mrs. Adkins and enjoying my summer as I work full-time. That's all I really need to know, and it is enough :)
As I look back, all I have left are memories in pictures, life lessons, and relationships that I will forever cherish.

To everyone in the BSU: It's been amazing working with all of you and making things happen! Countless campus links, events, and meetings. It's been so fun and I have really seen the power of Christ this year.
To everyone in housing: Man, what a year. It hasn't been easy. But honestly, if the worst thing that happened to me was someone knocking on my door at 1 AM to ask for a bowl, I'd say it all turned out ok :) Thank you to everyone who mentored me, and thank you for the endless encouragement and amazing relationships. You guys make me so happy and I love you all.
(Byrd 108, I'll always look back fondly on you. You were a good room).

~the end~
~i'm getting married~
can I get an AMEN!!??